Hi. It's me. Not in this picture. But this is me. And that. That right here. That is how lately looks like. And that is also how lately feels. Two hearts pulling me different ways. Two heads that can't decide. Two sets of eyes that are really confused. And two me's who really don't even know who me is.
Lately hasn't been very free. It hasn't been free for my heart. It hasn't been free for head. Or my eyes. And it defiantly has not been free for me. It is anything but free. It's been hard to breath. Lately is trapping me. And holding me. And lately doesn't want me to go anywhere. But what lately doesn't know is that I do want to go somewhere. I want to go more than somewhere. It is going to be hard for me to go somewhere. When I don't feel very free. But somehow I am going to get there. I don't know how I am going to get there. Or when. But I will. Lately is trying to confuse me. Maybe I am not creative. Maybe I shouldn't be a photographer. Maybe I take horrible pictures. But what lately also doesn't know is that I am confident if it would just move out of the way.
Turns out lately hasn't been lately. Lately has been for a long time. And it also turns out that lately is someone. That someone is me. I am lately. It has been me all along. I just like to blame and hide from the truth.
I am the reason I am not free. I am hesitant. I won't open my heart. I won't open it up to anyone or anything. Not even photography. Photography has been waiting, at least I think it has. Maybe photography is the one I can open up to. Maybe it is what will free me. But there are two sides. I will still have to take a chance. What if I open up and it doesn't free me? What if I regret opening up and it defeats me and discourages me. I will never know. I will never know if photography can free me, if I never try. So photography. So me. That is what I have to say to both of you. I don't know if you can free me but I hope you can. I know I was given creativity with a purpose. And I hope that this creative mind, who is also a trapped and scared and lost mind can be set free by you. Because, I can't miss this chance. I can't let it slide by. Sure, other chances will come. But I believe none of them will be as valuable as this one. I have to take it. I have to open up and just see if it will work. So for a start, here are my written words to help me open up a little. Crap, this is really scary